Ugh. This gratitude thing…
My friend. Can we talk about gratitude here for a sec?
Because we all know we should be grateful, right? Gratitude is the thing. Good for the soul, good for our well-being, a must-have virtue.1
But one of the greatest things about having enough gray hairs is that I’ve gotten ballsy enough (finally) to ask, “Wait, what does that actually mean?”
So yeah... can we talk about this?
Am I doing this right?
The 3-Things Rule
Anyone who’s ever dipped a well-pedicured toe into the pool of personal development has heard this advice: Write down three things you’re grateful for every day. First thing in the morning. Or at bedtime. Bonus points if it’s a cute journal.
I’ll fess up here and say I’ve tried this so many times and have never been able to stick with it. It just feels... forced. There are days when I’m scratching my head trying to come up with things to write down on the list. And then I start feeling bad about myself. Like, how can I be this ungrateful? What kind of lousy person am I?!
Thank goodness (hey, that’s gratitude there!) I met and spoke with Holly Bertone, host of the Gratitude Builds Fortitude podcast. She told me that this list-3-things practice doesn’t actually work for everyone. I am not alone!
When I admitted this to Holly, she wasn’t surprised. In fact, she said:
“It's a great idea in theory, but what happens is that it becomes a To-Do list, a time to check the box. I'm grateful for my spouse. I'm grateful for my house. I'm grateful for my dog. I'm grateful for my job. Check, check, check. Next.”
Gratitude is less a matter of listing things we’re grateful for, and more about actually feeling grateful. No use listing if we're not feeling!The Stoics, for example, didn’t think of gratitude as a simple exercise in counting blessings but as a mindset to carry through life, even in difficulty. Seneca would probably tell me: “You’re missing the point if you think gratitude is about making a list.” (Okay, maybe not in those exact words, but close.)
After that chat, I felt better about myself (and my lackluster gratitude list). I may not be writing down three things, but I have been feeling and acting grateful — which, at the end of the day, really is the point, right?
Are Some People Just More Grateful?
Ever notice how some people seem naturally grateful, while others (me) have to work at it? Turns out, there’s a reason for that.
Studies suggest gratitude comes more naturally to some than others. Something about our right inferior temporal cortex and our genes. Brain wiring and genetics.
So if gratitude feels like work sometimes, it’s not a moral failing. It’s just science.
Can We Do Something To Help Ourselves Be More Grateful?
Dr. Robert Emmons is considered the world’s leading scientific expert on gratitude, and he says that we achieve the state of gratitude in two stages:
First comes the acknowledgment of goodness in our lives. We say yes to life. We affirm that all in all, life is good and it's worth living.
Second is recognizing that sources of this goodness lie outside ourselves. We recognize the goodness and who — and what — to thank for it.
So maybe the list-3-things practice was meant to help us recognize the goodness outside ourselves (the second stage), which then makes it easier to get to the first stage and see that, all in all, life is good — even on bad days or in tough times.
The disconnect happens when we stop at the listing of things step, and it becomes another rote task to do, as Holly Bertone said.
Gratitude is both a state of being and a trait.
So, does this mean we always have to hunt for things to be grateful for in order to feel it? Not exactly.
Researcher Lilian Jans-Berken and her colleagues reviewed the connection between gratitude and health. In that study, they found that gratitude isn’t just an emotion we experience. It’s also a trait we can strengthen.
As a state of being, gratitude is what we feel when we receive kindness or when life gives us a good moment.
As a trait, gratitude is a way of being, woven into how we see and engage with the world.
Reminds me of Aristotle’s take on virtue: he believed traits like gratitude aren’t just feelings but habits we cultivate over time. The more we practice, the more they become part of who we are. Over time, it becomes part of our personality, something we embody rather than just express. (I like that!)
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So where does that leave me, someone who needs a remedial class in listing things to be thankful for?
I may never have a perfectly curated gratitude journal, but that doesn’t mean I’m ungrateful. I notice. I appreciate. I say thank you all the time. I watch the sunrise and feel it in my core… awe, wonder, and the preciousness of life.
And maybe that’s the real practice. Not forcing it, but noticing it when it happens and letting yourself feel it. I think it’s about living in a way that, when I look back, I know that I felt it — all the good moments, the good books, the good people in my life. And I think that’s something to be grateful for.
How are you with this whole gratitude thing? Do you find it naturally easy or do you find you need to work at it too, like me?
